How to come out as gay…

So I’m obvi a homosexual but strange to think this hasn’t always been the case. One day I made the choice to be gay- it’s a choice don’t you know? And then I had to announce it to everyone. It was really easy for me to come out between the ages of 16- 21 but not everyone is as blessed as I.

If you’re thinking of coming out and it’s safe to do so, here are my HOT tips on how best to make your point…

1- Pray to god that you’re not gay

You don’t even have to be religious for this. There isn’t a homosexual worth their salt who didn’t at one point cry in their room, bathroom or field and beg to not be gay. If you didn’t do this then you’re probably not really gay. I mean don’t feel sorry for me, I wouldn’t change anything now but it’s an important step.

2 – Make out like it’s no big deal

You know when a kid smacks the floor and then looks at you to know how serious it is… this is like that. If you’re cool with being a faggala (I stole this word from Will & Grace) then the person you tell is more likely to be cool with it too.

3 – Don’t be too graphic

It’s ok to enjoy gay sex and it’s ok to tell people you’re gay but you don’t wanna seem to keen on gay sex. ‘That man is pleasing to my eye’ is acceptable, ‘I would eat him out from behind’ is not.

4 – Make sure you hammer the point home

There are many colourful euphemisms for saying you’re gay but really you want to make sure you say the words ‘I am gay’ at least 8 times. Ok, like, two times. You might not want to say the actual words aloud but if you don’t people might be confused into thinking you’re confused or something. You’re not confused.

Repeat steps 1 – 4 for the rest of time

You scream gay, no one is surprised by your gayness, it’s not even a talking point anymore. But you will still have to let people know you’re gay all the time so they can relax. New work colleagues, the family of your friends, the old people in your nursing home, they will all need to know you’re gay and they will never safely just assume it. If you don’t have to think about ‘coming out’ about something then you’ll never really get this but it’s a tad annoying. I mean don’t worry about it but also know about it.

So that’s my tips. Take them or don’t but if you do please credit me in your coming out. Smashing stuff.

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