How to do the Edinburgh Fringe right…

This is my fourth fringe, third full run. Basically an expert wouldn’t you say? You might not have heard of me and you certainly have not seen my show but I’m doing really well. My fringe advice isn’t what you’re used to. I’m not going to tell to have a walk or eat fruit. But here’s what everyone successful is actually doing:
1) Google your name at least twice a day. Someone might’ve given you a bad review and you have to read it. In all likelihood- no one has written about you but no news is good news. Right? It’s almost like you weren’t here.
1a) Between self searches- check social media for other people’s shows. Nothing in this life is more motivating than other people’s success.
2) If you get a bad review, memorise it. In an ideal world whole sentences will pop into your head in the middle of a show. That’s how you get better.
3) Try and be around people all the time. Make sure you don’t spend time alone in a room. If you don’t know enough people to avoid alone time then just spend time by yourself in the street. That way when you cry you’ll be embarrassed of your feelings and stop quicker.
4) When you do have to cry, find a favourite alleyway to cry in. Don’t settle on a favourite too soon, try a few out but make sure they are close to your venue and the acoustics are good. Sometimes a good time to flyer too.
5) Flyering is for suckers. Everyone you speak to will say ‘flyer for yourself, audiences love that’ – and then you spend 4 hours a day flyering and no one comes to your show. Flyering is literally just an excuse to kill trees, which I’m down for- fuck the environment.
A crumpled flyer to represent my crumpled dreams… not mine, I’m doing well. I didn’t find this on the street. 
6) Before your show, spend 10 minutes at least explaining to yourself in your head why you hate comedy and why you’re not actually even good at it. No one likes a confident comic.
7) Ask your audience for money and a review at the end of each show but then feel awkward and make a joke. They won’t take your seriously and you can save time not reading their review or counting money.
8) Develop a rash. Is it stress or an allergic reaction? Who knows but itching is good. Ideally rub your eyes too so it also hurts to cry.
9) Never dress for the weather. It changes too often anyway. Just get good at being wet. Whilst your wet, sit on hard surfaces and leave wet bum prints. Stage time shouldn’t be the only time your embarrass yourself.
10) receive life altering news as much as you can. Fingers crossed everyone at home will get a promotion, so you can truly feel like the only failure. The important thing is that people at home are growing and changing and you’re stuck hundreds of miles away with no one to talk to.
I think that’s a good number of bullet points. I don’t want to give my whole game away.
Remember- if you’re struggling then that’s a good indicator that you’re not made out for performing. Some of us aren’t meant to shine and maybe that took four fringes (three full runs) to figure out but you got there eventually. You might feel you have a gift. Yes it’s actually incredibly hard to have a show of less than ten people and everyone still enjoy themselves. That doesn’t mean you’re going to make it.
Yes you will want to quit and under normal circumstances you would but you’d be ruining your comedy partners fringe too so just do your best to suffer in silence. When you get home you can retrain to be a midwife because if you can’t make festival goers laugh, you’ll go down a treat during a woman’s most painful and life altering experience.
If this blog post reads a tad more like a suicide note then please be aware none of this describes me or the wild and fun time I’m having. Truly, I’m doing so well.

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