It is a Saturday night and I’m having a weekend. I’ve done that thing where I’ve planned NOTHING all weekend because I couldn’t be arsed. Now I’ve done nothing for half a weekend and I’m considering shaving my head for something to do, whilst also actually just going between Instagram and Twitter until another hour passes. Felt like a good time to post a blog post for no one to read.
If you’re having a weekend, here are some ideas on how to best waste your time.
1- Cook a recipe you’ve been dying to try but then burn it. This wastes time, money and will DESTROY your mood and frying pan. It’s an all round winner.
2- Write something. It’s good to get it out of your system. Post it on your blog or just write it on edible paper, eat it and shit it out. The paper doesn’t have to be edible. Why are you even writing something? What’s the point of anything? I’m doing well.
3- Look back at old photos of yourself from 4 years ago. Remember how much you hated yourself? Don’t you look back and think you were incredible now? You’ll probably never be that happy again. Not this weekend at least, you’re miserable and you deserve this.
4- Clear out a cupboard but then don’t actually get rid of all the jumpers and coats you want to bin- just leave them in the corner of a room for 2-3 months.
5- Call everyone in your family and then wait a few hours and call your mum again. If you can pick a fight with each of them that will distract you from how much you hate yourself. This is actually really good advice. Why be angry and upset with yourself when you can scream at your mum and she’ll have to love you anyway.
6- Watch TV. Even past when it’s boring. You might think ‘I’ll go read a book in the park’ but clicking next episode is sooo much more alluring.
7- Masturbate again. Yes, you’re developing a rash but do it again. Find something weird to turn you on. This is an opportunity to find something that disgusts you and turn it into something you’d like to try.
8- Just overthink some stuff. This works best around sunset but make sure not to turn the lights on. You can pass literal hours doing this. Think about an argument that you’ll never win or how it won’t matter in 100 years if you were murdered. The ideal topic is something that won’t come to an end.
9- Make a list of things you’ve been doing all day and realise how much you didn’t need to do any of them. If you can, wait til around midnight to think of some productive stuff you could’ve done but you’ve left it too late. Really important though that you don’t do the productive stuff tomorrow. Sunday is a day of rest and you’ve really tuckered yourself out.
10- Cry because your eczema has spots. Or cry because you can’t moisturise your back. Cry because no matter how much you clean, dust will still exist in your house. Doesn’t really matter what gets you started, just don’t let it stop.
11- Repeat step 7, it’s been like 20 minutes and you’re disgusting.
What a successful weekend we’re all having now.
XL O XL O